I snapped today, in response to the twins each asking me very simple questions. I didn’t yell or go off on them, but my response was short and snippy and dismissive of their innocent questions. I felt bad after, and on the way to the bus stop it dawned on me that this is how I am helping them start their day…this is what I’m leaving them with to face the next 8 hours of school and friends and pressure and all the things.

This is not ok. For someone who is big on starting my day with peace and with God, I’m failing my kids in this way. I should be instilling that same value in them, and yet…I’m causing hurt feelings to arise at the crack of dawn. I’m sending them off with ill feelings towards me. I’m sending a bad subliminal message that this behavior is ok.

I will apologize to them today after school and I will make sure to do better with my attitude, especially in the mornings. But what is the cause of this? Why am I on edge? Questions I asked myself as I drove home from the bus stop to begin work…

I’m human, that’s the simple answer. None of us are going to get it right every single day. We will make mistakes and let people down. But I had a moment this morning during my bible study where I just sat there. Starring at nothing. And I realized I’m tired. I’m exhausted. As a single mom, I am tired of doing all the things by myself. Every thing in this household is on me and it’s draining.

I thought, maybe if I had a husband here, I wouldn’t be so on edge all the time. Maybe the smallest questions about what’s for dinner tonight when it’s only 7:30am and we’re trying to make it out to school on time, wouldn’t bother me so much. Maybe the question about practice tonight would not have been deferred to me if I had a husband here who handled that schedule.

Maybe, maybe, maybe….

But guess what…that’s not my reality. So I can’t ponder on that notion. I can’t dwell on what’s not true. I get upset with myself sometimes wondering if I made the right choices for the twins. If my choices are shaping their lives in the best possible way. I guess time will tell.

What I do know is that I have to focus on what is true. And the truth is that my mistakes don’t define who I am as a mom. Me snapping on them this morning doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom. It means I have a lot on my plate and I wasn’t thinking about dinner at 7:30am. But as a kid, with so little to worry about, of course they think about things that don’t even cross an adults mind until it’s time to deal with it.

Another truth is that God will help me with being more patient and understanding with the twins. At 11yrs old, they seem so grown. Like most kids these days, they are so mature for their ages. They are being exposed to things most of us parents didn’t learn about until high school or later. And so sometimes, I forget they are still kids, and they still have an innocent side. And so I respond as such.

I will ask God to give me grace. And to help me be slower to respond to their inquiries. To help me watch my words and to calm my spirit when speaking to them. I need to compartmentalize the issues I face as a mom, so that I can focus on what they need from me. A work in progress.

I’d like to note that if you’re a mom of kids in middle or high school, I encourage you to be open with your kids about your feelings. Share with them that you have a lot on your plate and that you are human. We are our kids’ superhero’s but I think letting them in on our world (in an age appropriate way) will be beneficial for them. As a single mom, I have been quite frank with the twins about my mom duties and what that entails. I have had talks with them asking them to understand my view point as well. It worked great and I’m now empowered to have heart to hearts with them whenever necessary.

I think kids of single moms have to grow up a bit faster than their counterparts. They are forced to face an unfortunate reality of their lives sooner than necessary. But it causes those same kids to be more resilient, mature, and self sufficient. That just may be the silver lining in growing up in a single parent household.

If you’re a mom like me and you’ve found yourself feeling guilt for being on edge with your kids, I urge you to give yourself grace. It’s hard being a mom and juggling all the things. Married or not, we take on so much as mothers and women. We get overstimulated and irritated and the people around us don’t always notice. But we keep pushing because we have to. And we have to forgive ourselves, the way God so easily forgives us. And our kids forgive us as well.

I think of the mistakes I’ve made a mother. Many mistakes the twins are not aware of, but as they’re getting older, they are now able to notice who I am and my personality. And so I imagine there are times when they have not so nice thoughts about me. But do they hold a grudge? Do they call me out? Do they seek revenge? Of course not, because they love me and depend on me. And because for kids, mothers are they’re entire world. And isn’t this why the Bible tells us to have childlike faith, love, and honor for God? Isn’t this why He tells us to call Him our Father? Because we are to love God they same way kids so innocently and mercifully love their parents. No matter what we do, our kids will not turn against us. Think about kids in abused households who forgive over and over again…who never tell anyone of the cruelty they face every day…who still love and defend a parent in a situation full of despair.

And so yes, mistakes and overreactions will take place. But what we can always count on as mothers is God and our children. They will never give up on us. They will never stop loving us. And that makes this life just a little bit easier to live.

A prayer for the mom who needs grace:

Dear God,

I am thankful for the blessing of being a mother. Thank you for the kids you’ve placed in my care. I pray that I never take the privilege of motherhood for granted. God, you know my shortcomings as a mother. You see me like no one else can. I ask that You help me in my mothering. Help me to not be short tempered with my kids who are just being kids. Help me to be patient with them and to see them how You see them God. I pray that my house is full of peace and love and togetherness. Help me to be exactly what my kids need me to be for them. Thank you Father for leading me on this journey and for keeping me aligned with Your will for my family. Your will be done Lord, on earth as it is in Heaven. In Your Mighty name I pray.

Amen.

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