The late nights and early mornings. The chaotic days filled with running errands and ubering kids around town. The mess in the kitchen. The laundry piled up. The dog food running low. The floors need to be swept. A kid asking for food. A kid being dramatic on the Xbox. A baby crying. A toddler dancing endlessly on a sugar rush. The busy days ahead due to schedules and events. A friend that needs to talk. A grandma who needs to not be left out of the loop. A supervisor messaging you with questions. A co-worker sending emails.
And so it goes. Each day filled with things to do. The feeling of being overwhelmed has set in. At some point in our mothering, we decided it was easier to take care of everything on our own. We decided we’d rather not bother anyone else with our “things”. We don’t want to be a bother to anyone. We want to take care of everyone.
But who told us this has to be true, has to be the norm? Who said this had to be the way? I guess it’s in our nature as mothers, but why do we shy away from the fact that we need help? Why are we so inclined to not allow our village to be our village?
Almost every mother I know struggles with this truth, including myself. I spent too many years going into myself and not letting people in when I needed the most help. When we have young kids, a village is vital. Now that the twins are almost 12, I need less physical/hands on help…but trust I can still use the support and I don’t turn it down when offered. And I no longer hesitate to ask when I need help with running them around or if I’m sick or if something comes up.
It took me 11 years to get to this point. It’s sad really. I mean, now that the burden of motherhood has decreased…oh nooow I’m confident in reaching out??! Now that they require less work…I am quicker to reach out for help. I wish I was the mother I am now when they were babies and toddlers. We are so scared to bother someone else, or to seem incapable, or to be rejected…and so we keep our needs to ourselves.
Raising kids is not all on you. It’s not all on the moms. God does not intend for anyone, including mothers to go at it alone each day. He calls us to contribute to community. He calls us to offer help and to receive help. He wants us to be joyful and have peace in life; we can only experience those things by giving ourselves the love and support that we need. And we do that by speaking up when we need help.
As a mom who has finally overcome the overwhelm I once felt in motherhood, here is what I would do now to have a more peaceful and organized life:
Get your partner involved. Speak up about what you’re feeling and express how he can help you with the kids/babies/household that would support your family’s lifestyle as a whole. Remember to not approach this as an accusation, but as an ask for support. Be honest about any shortcomings you both are having and come up with a plan to conquer and divide in the home.
Clean up the house. Set aside time to clean, declutter, and organize your space. If laundry is piled up, put it away. If clothes/shoes need to donated, sort through everything and drop off what needs to go. Give the bigger kids some tasks to complete as well. You will be surprised at how much peace an organized and clear space can give you.
Get big kids involved. What do the kids who are 10+ need to do to make your days run more smoothly? Maybe they need to be more proactive with being ready when it’s time to go. Maybe they need less screen time so they can focus on homework/chores. Maybe they need to understand that everyone in the house contributes and so they can begin to handle some age appropriate situations and tasks on their own. This is when a heart to heart with your older kids needs to happen. This will give them a sense of responsibility and let them begin to understand the family dynamic a bit better.
Tap into your village. There has to be someone in your life who you can call on when you need an extra hand or when you need a nap or to step away for a few hours. A friend, a neighbor, a family member, someone you trust to be with the kids while you do what you need to do. If you have absolutely no one, begin to ask God to send you a village. And then start to be open to who you can connect with. Be open to meeting + connecting with people when you’re out and about. Spark conversations, get out of the house, join local communities, etc. As adults, most of the time our adult friendships that are new usually spark out of the blue with people we’d least expect! You can also join a church and connect with other families there. I made a couple of amazing new friends once I put the twins in basketball in our town. I was shocked and I am thankful God allowed me to cross paths with these amazing friends I now consider family.
Make schedules. You have to stop going into each day without knowing what’s going on and what needs to get done. I don’t mean to plan out every minute of each day, but you need to know what’s to come so you can be proactive and not reactive to your day. If you have a work or a personal deadline coming up, plan around that so you can get it done. If you need a ride for your kids to go somewhere, ask people in advance, don’t wait until the day of. If you’re low on groceries, which day will you have time to hit the store? And what will you eat in the meantime? Sitting down and looking over your week every Sunday and each night will help you to get ahead of what’s to come and will bring peace to your days.
Spend time with God. I can’t stress this one enough. This is the key to it all. Once you let God into your situations, things will begin to make sense and will fall into place. Spend time reading a daily devotional, praying, or just listening for His voice. Go to God, not only when you need help, but because He’s here and wants to be connected with you in all ways. Let Him in, let Him guide you; you won’t regret it.
These steps helped me stay organized and gave me pease as a single mom of twins for the past 12 years. Besides the village part, I was on it. But it took me some time. The first two years of the twins’ life felt like the twilight zone. It’s all a blur (besides all those pictures I took of them) and I honestly know that God is how I made it through it all with out going insane. Once I got myself in a rhythm and created schedules/systems for how to get things done, I was good! I felt like I could breathe because my house wasn’t a mess all the time, I had a plan for each day, I accepted help when offered, and when I didn’t have help I kept the twins busy at playgrounds or by taking walks to give myself a quick break. Once I made those changes, I finally felt like I was doing ok as a mom.
Remember, this not about being a “good” mom. This is about making your day to day life easier. Stop feeling like everything is on you because it’s not. Be open and honest about what you need with God and the people around you. You’d be surprised at how much people are happy to help if you just ask.
Go to God before you do anything and ask Him to show you what you need to do to get peace in your life and to stop feeling overwhelmed. He will show you where to start with decluttering, he will tell you how to go about asking for help, he will give you favor with your family/friends/community, and He will help you create an easy schedule so you can start to make sense of your time.
I am praying that all of us moms step into our power and stand up for the lives we are supposed to live in Christ. Even as a single mom, you can do this. And you are not alone. Please let the burden of doing it all go. Be courageous and go after your peace so you can take your time back and become the woman and mother God intended for you to be.
You got this!
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