I didn’t want to be a mom. I felt I was too selfish and too stingy and too unhinged for motherhood. My idea of motherhood was this soft gentle woman who put her entire life on hold in order to raise kids. And that just wasn’t me. I didn’t think I had it in me to put my cares aside for the sake of a small helpless person.

When I got pregnant I felt scared. I was a bit upset because this wasn’t supposed to happen (physicalities aside lol) But I thought welp, maybe I can do this. I was not married so I had no biz getting pregnant in the first place, so I’m not sure if God used this pregnancy to change my life…but it did.

I was 26 and reckless. I had gone through 2 break-ups by then and my attitude towards life was “I’m going to do what I want”. I was mad at all men and I was in my selfish girl era. I wanted to have fun, and be free, and party, and not worry about anything. Living in sin was the epitome of what I was doing. Drinking, partying, and very far from God at the time.

Besides, I had missed my time for marriage and motherhood anyway, why bother with wanting love and family. So many of my high school and college friends were getting married and starting families…and I felt like none of that was meant for me since it hadn’t happened for me yet. Instead of feeling behind, I choose to feel unbothered…that’s just not for me…carry on!

Share this with a mom who was a party girl before motherhood lol I know I’m not the only one!

I grew up in the church, so I was no stranger to Jesus. I had had encounters with him several times throughout my life at that point. And yet, it didn’t occur to me to go to him in prayer during my pregnancy. I don’t recall praying very often during those 9 months. I know I prayed for my babies to be beautiful; that’s it SMH.

The deep prayer came once the twins were born. This pregnancy turned my life upside down and I had no clue what to do. I had to quit my job because I couldn’t afford daycare. My car got repossessed because my money eventually ran out once I stopped working at 7 months. My parents paid my rent for months after that. I was getting all the services the state of Md offered low income mothers (WIC, food stamps, state insurance, utility assistance to name a few). My bank account was a tragedy. I was tapped out and didn’t know what else to do besides go to God.

I spent so many late nights and early mornings on my knees in my kitchen crying and asking God to help me. I listened to the song “Find You On My Knees” by Kari Jobe over and over and over again. Because that’s exactly what I was doing. I was trying to find God, again.

I began to go to the library to find books that would help me. I don’t know what I was looking for specifically, but I knew to go straight to the Christian Books section. I racked up on women focused daily devotionals. I was on the pursuit to find myself in this mess.

I remember some mornings sitting on my worn out Ikea sectional, looking out the window at my parents house that was directly across the street, and wondering what was going on? Who am I? How did the little girl who at one point had such big dreams get lost in the mess of single motherhood, being broke, and left with two babies to take care of??

I told God that I know there is a purpose behind this. Something big. I couldn’t see what it was at the time. I just knew that He would use my story for good.

At some point during my first year of motherhood, God put it on my heart to help moms. Moms like me. Moms who need comfort, who need a friend, who need to know they are not alone, who need to know they can overcome any challenge they are facing too.

I cry every time I think about how far I’ve come. How far God has brought me. The amount of times God has saved me, even when I was so far from Him. Even when I did the exact opposite of what He told me to do. He’s turned every single situation I’ve faced in my life around for good. Every. Single. Time.

Motherhood brought me back to the one who’s always loved me. I spent my twenties seeking love and validation from men who could never love me the way God intended or they way God could, period. I spent my twenties feeling less than, comparing myself to my peers who had a different story than me. Motherhood opened my eyes to what really matters in life - love and Jesus.

Motherhood was a by-product of the bad choices I made, but it also is the reason I lean into the Lord so much today. Motherhood awakened the purpose that God planted on the inside of me. Idk where I’d be today had I not gone through with my pregnancy. I’m not sure if I would know Jesus the way I do right now…not sure if I ever would have taken my relationship with God seriously.

So yes, motherhood saved me. It allowed me to become who I was meant to be. The twins brought out a side of me that was always there, it just needed the right kind of love to bring it out. Growing up, I never felt safe to fully be me. And the twins gave me a chance to be me and have a household where we all could freely be us together.

The twins’ personalities have always been so vibrant. The twins were the happiest babies…that alone was a miracle because I was so sad and lowly when they were babies and toddlers. I tell people all the time that if the twins had been cryers, OMG…I don’t think I would have survived those early years.

Motherhood forced me to have a prayer life. Motherhood forced me to worship God when I hadn’t done so in years. I needed God to help me, I didn’t care how. I just needed to change my life. I needed to give my kids a life they would look back on and be proud of. And God may a way out of nothing. Literally nothing…

For the mom who has lost hope. For the mom who doesn’t know where to turn. For the mom who knows she can go to God but is hesitant. For the mom who’s lost her spark. For the mom wondering what’s next. For the mom who’s hanging on by a thread.

For the moms like me…

I hope that this allows you to change your perspective. When motherhood is unexpected it can feel unsettling and scary, but motherhood is a blessing. It’s a miracle if you choose to see it that way and when you allow it move you towards the strong woman who can do anything she wants.

Motherhood sparked a fire in me to go after every goal my 10yr old self once dreamed of. I was a writer and a dreamer at a very young age…I used motherhood to journey back to that girl. And to make her and my twins proud.

Maybe motherhood is not what you planned. Maybe it’s not going the way you expected. Maybe it’s hard and it’s ripping you in ways you can’t fathom…but there is a God who will help you get through it. You are not alone.

Maybe God is using motherhood to bring you closer to Him…to change your life…to bring your kids into his love. Maybe motherhood will be what saves you too.

Speak soon - Kari

Let’s talk about it…did motherhood save you? What other motherhood topics should we touch on?

Follow along on IG and join the conversation!