The biggest mistake I see so many moms make is waiting for others to validate us.
We wait to get married before we start living life the way want - thinking a man will make our lives more enjoyable. This was me…HOT MESS.
We lean into our friends for validation when it comes to who we date, the outfits we pick out, how we look in our clothes, and the things we talk about. Not trusting in who we are, low key wanting to fit in and fit the mode.
We wait for our bosses to tell us we’re doing a good job at work and let the work force determine what jobs and salaries we take. Seeking approval someone who does not matter…being fearful about speaking up for what we want/deserve.
Married moms over compensate in their marriages, wanting their husbands to acknowledge their hard work in the household. Seeking attention and validation from a man who may or may not even be paying attention! Whew.
God created women to be nurturers, so it’s in our nature to take care of everyone and to apply the motherly instincts in every area of our lives.
We want to feel loved for what we put out and for how we take care of others.
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For the longest time, I thought marriage would make me complete as a woman and a mom. I spent years living in a box, focused on my kids and why I wasn’t married yet. I felt left out, I felt unlovable, and I felt like marriage may not happen for me. Why? Because my self worth and validation for my life was tied up in the idea of needing a man for my life and my purpose to make sense.
After several toxic relationships, that’s what happens to your psyche…
I finally got tired of letting my self worth be determined by men, my friends’ opinions, and my self doubts. I finally got fed up with my experiences and what my life looked like at the time.
I got tired of wanting more money, love, peace, a fit body, a thriving biz, and a better life for my kids. So I decided to start going after it. But I kept quitting when it came to bettering my life because I kept going too hard all at once. I tried to go after all the goals I had at one time…and I kept quitting and starting over.
I kept trying to lose 30 lbs in 30 days. I kept starting side hustles when I had no money to maintain them, I kept trying to read one book of the bible each week, I kept trying new diets because nothing was working, I kept giving douche bag guys a chance because I was desperate for attention….
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Every single time, I ended up right where I started…confused, alone, and mad because I couldn’t figure out the problem.
It dawned on me that I was doing too much. What’s the saying: all good things take time?? Idk, but I spent some time soul searching to figure out how I was going to make the changes in my life that I needed to make.
God showed up for me and let me see that I needed to slow down. I needed to make small changes in each area of my life to build up to the big changes happening….
A light bulb moment for sure! And how is this not obvious??
Because we want instant change, instant results, instant gratification. And it’s just not realistic. We want our glow up to be performative so people can praise us and make us feel good. But we have to learn to give ourselves that gratification first.
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So I began to pour into myself…as a single mom, who was I kidding? Who was coming to save me and help me to get these goals done? No one! It was me and God and my kids. I had to make these small changes because our livelihood counted on it.
So Here’s How I Began to Pour Into Myself as a Busy Moms with Big Goals:
I began to read daily devotionals - quick bible excerpts with quick insights from the author. This then prompted me to make a bible study schedule and I realized that one chapter or the bible per day was good enough…what was the rush?
I began to take walks. Whenever I needed a break from the house, or if I was stressed/upset, if I needed to have deep thoughts about an idea, or if I just wanted a refresher from the day. Walks are the ultimate cheat code to gaining mental clarity, calming your nervous system, getting some movement in, and just having alone time.
Found a small guilty pleasure that I won’t feel too guilty about when I treat myself lol mine is coffee from Starbs or an iced coffee from home. Sometimes when I’ve had a hard day, I’ll grab a coffee to self soothe (better than a cookie right!).
Having alone time first thing in the morning. This really sets the tone for my day. I write, or pray, or do my devotionals and it really gets me off on the right foot.
Skin Care. I’m not big on splurging or even retail therapy too often, but skin care is a non-negotiable for me! I love going to Ulta or Sephora (when I need something) and adding to my skincare line up. I love trying products and watching my skin change and glow up as I use the items. Give me a mask, a cleanser, a serum, and some SPF and I’m happy.
These are the small things I incorporated into my daily routine that has allowed me to not only pour into my own cup and start loving on myself, but they also began to help boost my confidence. Nothing will make you feel better about who you are than pouring into you, prioritizing you, showing up for YOU!
Make this unique to you! What are the simple things in life that you love outside of momlife and nurturing friends/family? Reading a book, listening to R&B, riding a bike, writing, painting, reading fashion magazines/blogs, make up, etc.
As moms, we get so caught up in taking care of everyone else and we forget about our own hobbies, dreams, goals…even on a daily basis we run on empty. Which keeps us in a state of being stressed, feeling let down and forgotten, and feeling stuck in our cycles.
If you’re a mom like me who is ready to make a change for yourself - join the For Moms Like Us movement. You are not alone! And together, all the moms like us will begin to put ourselves first again.
I want to mention that this is not about cutting people off or minimizing our roles as moms. Motherhood is our most important role, and we have pour into ourselves in order to properly pour into our kids.
This is about your self worth, your peace of mind, and about building a life you want based on who you are and what you believe you deserve.
No more mom-guilt. No more people pleasing. No more settling.
We are moms who set boundaries. We are moms who prioritize our peace. We are moms who understand that our happiness or lack their off is a determining factor in how our kids face the world.
So let’s talk about it…
How are you currently pouring into your own cup? What small actions are you going to take to start making sure you show yourself some love on a daily basis? LMK!
And what other momlife topics should we chat about here on Substack? Let’s take up space and help each other out.
Don’t forget to subscribe and join the For Moms Like Us Movement. I’m building a community and a membership for moms and I’d love for you to be apart of it 🤎
Speak soon!! Kari
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